| oops. I just remembered that xanga existed.
This is not a goodbye. It's more like a "I might use this again if I ever care, which is unlikely." |
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| It goes without saying, but I really fucking hate some people. |
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| I had this vivid dream the other night. Excuse the gore.
I was in a dark room. It was upstairs. There was a door, a neatly-made bed, and a wooden table with two chairs pulled up to it. There was no window. The floor was made of wood. On the table, there was a tall candle that lit the cream-colored walls with very dim, soft, and warm light.
Also on the table was a large handgun, a .44 magnum revolver. My handed rested on it gently. I picked it up and drew it to my face. I thought nothing of it. Almost mechanically, I pulled the trigger. And it was ecstasy. The bullet shot through my head like lightning, and I was dead. I knew nothing but the most intense pleasure imaginable. Then, I was somehow in the room again. I was standing by the table, with my hand resting gently on the gun. Again, I drew it to my face and fired. Again, I died. Again, I stood with my hand on the gun. Again, the bullet bored through my head at the speed of sound, and I was dead instantly. Again, and again, and again. I was in rapture every time I died. Again, and again, and again.
Eventually, I pulled the trigger and did not die immediately. I found myself on the floor, facing the ceiling. I tried to stand, but I couldn't. I reached back and felt the large space where the back of my head had been blown out. I was in the room, yet I was so far gone. I could barely see anything. The dim light of the room was fading. I could barely put thoughts together. All I could do was whisper, "I'm still here... I'm not gone... I'm still here." My shirt soaked up the pool of blood beneath my head. I tried to fight the coming rapture of nothingness. I tried desperately to anchor myself to the rapidly fading room. "I'm here... still... here..."
And then there was nothing.
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In other news, congratulations to me for Most Outstanding German II Student of the Year. |
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| And I awoke this morning to a huge nightmare that I fear will never end. |
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| I feel very love-deprived and emo today.
._.
I need a hug. |
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